Alone vs. Lonely

So tonight, I've sat on the couch, drank wine, and read my book. I paused to consider the concept of alone vs. lonely.

If you'll indulge my inner nerd for a moment, alone means: separate, apart, or isolated from others. Lonely means: lone; solitary; without company; companionless or standing apart; isolated. If you look at it that way, they mean pretty much the same thing: isolated and apart.

I've been alone for a long time now. I've lived alone for 11 years. Why? Because I don't want anyone that close to me. I don't want to be hurt. I'm scared of rejection. Some people chose to take the risk and it works out for them, I choose not to. I like my space. I like my order, my way of doing things. I don't ever see myself having a relationship, moving in with someone or getting married. I know I'll die alone. I'm okay with that.

When I lived in Frisco, there would be times I would be lonely. Spending holidays by myself or sometimes wanting to go out to dinner or do something, but not willing to do it alone. Those moments were few and far between though. I had a pretty busy social life, so when I was at home, I was thankful for the peace and quiet.

Since I've moved to Bastrop, I've been lonely a lot more often. I have no friends. I have no social life. I work and I come home. It's like Groundhog Day, over and over. I miss having my sushi friend, my movie friend, my musical friend, etc. I had a great network of people that kept me busy. Now, no one. Nothing. I spend most nights by myself, watching TV or reading.

I'm lonely. And I'm not sure how to get out of it.

This was the one thing that worried me the most about taking this job. I knew I could handle the work part easily. But I was worried that at 40, being single, and Bastrop being a small town, that I would lose the social life and network I've worked so hard to build the 8 years I was in Frisco. Everyone I trusted told me not to worry, I'll make friends and be just as busy as I was in Frisco. (Ed.'s Note: Next time I should listen to my gut more. I'm just saying.)

So, I'm trying hard to really focus on my "lonely" time and turning it into "alone" time. I'm reading more, scrapbooking a bit, looking at planning a trip to take by myself, starting classes at Texas State for my Ph.D. I'm getting more comfortable going out to eat and to movies by myself. I'm trying to build a life that if I never am able to connect and make friends, that I have something for me to do besides sit at home.

So maybe I can go back to just being alone and quit being lonely.