My Heart Aches.... why is life so sad sometimes?

My heart broke just a little bit today.

Readers know that I opened a new school in August 2008 as principal. I poured my heart into this school... blood, sweat, tears. I slept in the clinic some nights. I wanted to build a place where people wanted to work and kids wanted to learn. I almost had a nervous breakdown that first year.... my secretary's hubby passing away, my AP on maternity leave, and wanting everything to be absolutely perfect almost broke me. But I perservered. Our staff perservered. We were exemplary in our first year, a first in our district.

This year was easier, but it was harder too. My PEIMS clerk husband died, our counselor (and my friend) had breast cancer, trying to maintain exemplary is harder than getting it........ But I love what we have created at our school. I walk the halls so proud. I LOVE LOVE seeing our students grow and become more confident in their learning and who they are. We are going to be exemplary again this year too.

But I haven't been happy this year. The pressures from above continue to push down on me and I'm starting to buckle under that pressure. The turmoil with our superintendent leaving as well as our deputy being overlooked have made me uneasy. Where do I fit in the new structure? Can I do it? I've felt very isolated and alone. It's taken it's toll on me. Sometimes I think I've aged more in two years that most people do in 5. If I could just stay on my campus and deal with my "people," I could do it. But that isn't how it works.

Then an opportunity came my way. I explored it and found that it was the next step in my journey. A step that I knew was inevitable, but didn't think would happen so fast. But it's a step that I would regret not taking. And so I will leave my school that I birthed at the end of June.

Today I had to tell my staff that I was leaving. I had a whole speech, I was going to stay calm and cool. I was going to focus on our successes and what we had done. I wanted them to know how much I loved and appreciated them and all they gave of themselves for this school. I was gonna be strong, like when I've had to deliver bad news to them time and time again over these past two years.

I stand at the front of the room and I look at them. I lasted about 3 seconds before I burst into tears. I'm not even sure what I said. It was like I dropped a really messy bomb and then I left. I could see the looks on their faces. Some looked mad, some looked sad, some cried, there were 1 or 2 who looked happy....... it killed me to upset them.

I know they'll get over it. They know what's right for kids. My AP will lead them. They'll do fine. And so will I. I will come back to visit. I think I even told them if they didn't continue doing what they were doing, I'm come back from Austin and kick their ass. (Ed.'s Note: Stay classy, Ms. Principal!)

I just didn't know it would hurt this bad.